For a couple months I have been getting phone calls from a woman looking for her niece Darlene. That's not me. I had answered about three times and given the giggly, compulsory "haaha I'm sorry wrong number" response.
About a month ago, I was a day out from having surgery to remove an ovarian cyst the size of a small melon and on top of that my gallbladder was being a real dickhead and needed to come out, too. My husband and I were doing some unnecessary shopping to ease the whole "Holy crap do I have cancer" stress. While checking out at a sporting goods store (buying two badass winter coats for my boys for a whopping $25 combined!) I got a phone call from my aunt. Well, I am kind of shit at saving phone numbers, so I assumed it was my aunt calling to ask about the surgery. I answered and immediately started talking about inappropriate things and about ten seconds in I realized that I was once again talking to the lady looking for the elusive Darlene. We laughed, I explained that I thought she was my aunt and she said,"Well I am! Well, I am Darlene's aunt." We laughed again and said the kind of awkward goodbye you say when you have been talking to a stranger about your ovaries.
She hasn't called over the last month except twice while I was recovering in the hospital and I just ignored them because what else am I supposed to say? I left it up to my voicemail to explain that I am Samantha which should translate into "Not Darlene" to pretty much anyone looking to contact Darlene.
Today, while driving to my lady parts doctor to make sure that they made me better, not worse, I missed a call from Darlene's Aunt while I was killing it to some old school GooGoo Dolls. She left me a voicemail like she had done before. This time she pulled a switcharoo on me and left a message saying,"Sam, I am trying to get a hold of your mom." Holy shit, Darlene's Aunt has decided that Sam is Darlene's new name. After calling and laughing about it with my husband I started to wonder if I should call her back. I'm sure the number she's trying to reach is only a number off from mine but I don't know how to find Darlene any better than her Aunt does.
Fourteen hours, two more missed calls and their accompanying voicemails later, Darlene's Aunt has me feeling like I have abandoned her. The last voicemail was her giving up on Sam (me!) because all she gets are answering machines and unreturned calls. While I maintain a zero family guilt policy for non-family members, she's got me feeling like I am maliciously keeping her from speaking to my mom. I even called my mom to make sure she didn't know any Aunt of a Darlene. I want to call and say that she has the wrong number but as of right now she has the right number for Sam. I'm still not Darlene. Basically, if you ARE Darlene, call your damn Aunt in Lubbock, Texas so she'll quit giving Sam shit.
